Psychological Abuse Doesn’t Happen All at Once: Healing After Divorce and Gaslighting

Psychological abuse rarely announces itself.

There is no single explosive moment. No clear line where you suddenly realize, This is abuse. Instead, it happens quietly—chip by chip, moment by moment—until your sense of self slowly disappears.

In a recent Bent Not Broken bonus coaching episode, I reflected on my powerful and raw conversation with Kristen Crabtree, a certified divorce coach and creator of the Paramore Paradox. Kristen spent 22 years in a psychologically abusive marriage, and what she shared resonated deeply with so many listeners navigating divorce, emotional abuse, and gaslighting.

This blog unpacks the most important lessons from that episode—and offers insight for anyone healing after psychological abuse or rebuilding their identity after divorce.

“We Never Fought” Is Not Proof of a Healthy Marriage

One of the most eye-opening moments in my conversation with Kristen was her realization that she believed her marriage was healthy because they never fought.

The truth was far more painful.

She didn’t fight because she had learned not to disagree.

In psychologically abusive relationships, peace is often purchased with silence. You learn to stay agreeable. You learn what not to say. You learn to monitor your tone, your timing, your words, and eventually—your thoughts.

Over time, your voice becomes quieter than your fear.

If you were in an emotionally abusive relationship, ask yourself:

• Where did I stop disagreeing to keep the peace?

• When did my comfort matter less than avoiding conflict?

That awareness is not weakness—it’s the beginning of healing.

Psychological Abuse Happens in Chips, Not Blows

Many survivors struggle to name what they experienced because there was no single traumatic incident. Kristen explains this perfectly:

Psychological abuse happens in thousands of tiny moments.

• How you make coffee

• How you clean

• How you talk

• When you speak

• Whether you “shut up enough”

• How you choose an avocado

• How you wash the dog

• How you breathe

Everything is monitored. Everything is corrected. Everything is wrong.

Over time, those constant micro-criticisms chip away at your confidence, clarity, and trust in yourself—until you feel exhausted, confused, and invisible.

If you’re struggling to trust yourself after divorce, hear this clearly: There is nothing wrong with you. Your nervous system has been living in survival mode.

Survival Strategies Are Not Character Flaws

So many survivors carry shame about who they became inside abusive relationships:

• Numb

• Quiet

• Hyper-alert

• People-pleasing

• Over-explaining

• Second-guessing

Kristen reminds us of something crucial: Survival strategies are not failures. They are evidence of resilience.

You did not lose yourself—you protected yourself.

And now, in the aftermath of divorce or emotional abuse, you get to decide what stays and what no longer serves you.

What helped you survive does not have to define who you are becoming.

Healing After Divorce Requires Healing the Four Bodies

Kristen teaches a powerful framework centered on healing the four bodies:

• Mental

• Emotional

• Physical

• Spiritual

After psychological abuse or gaslighting, these systems are deeply intertwined. When one body is dysregulated, the others follow.

You don’t need to heal everything at once.

Instead, ask yourself: Which body needs support right now? Is it mental exhaustion? Emotional numbness? Physical tension? Spiritual disconnection?

Healing begins where the signal is loudest.

Healing Begins With Awareness—Not Action

One of the most powerful takeaways from this episode is this:

Healing doesn’t start with action. It starts with awareness.

Not a two-hour meditation. Not perfection. Not doing it “right.”

Sometimes healing begins with one pause.

One breath.
One moment of noticing.
One quiet reminder:

This can be different.

That pause interrupts the trauma loop and creates space for change.

You Are Not Broken—You Were Surviving

If you are navigating divorce recovery, healing from gaslighting, or rebuilding your identity after emotional abuse, remember this:

You are not broken.
You were surviving.

And now, you are remembering who you are.

If you haven’t listened to the full conversation with Kristen Crabtree, I strongly encourage you to do so. It’s a powerful companion to this coaching episode and a reminder that healing is possible—even after years of silence.

You may be bent… But you are never broken.