How High-Conflict Divorce Affects Children’s Emotional Health
Divorce is never easy, but when conflict between parents continues long after the separation, children often carry the emotional weight. In a recent episode of Bent Not Broken, psychologist Dr. David Marcus joined the show to discuss how high-conflict divorce affects children and what parents can do to protect their emotional wellbeing.
One of the most powerful insights Dr. Marcus shared is that children are extremely sensitive to the emotional environment around them. Even when parents try to hide arguments or tension, children can feel it. The yelling, hostility, or silent resentment between parents can create anxiety, fear, and emotional withdrawal.
Young children, in particular, experience emotions very intensely but often do not have the words to describe what they feel. Instead of expressing themselves verbally, they may act out through behavior—tantrums, withdrawal, aggression toward siblings, or other attention-seeking actions. These behaviors are often a child’s attempt to get their emotional needs met.
Dr. Marcus describes the importance of parents becoming a “soothing presence” for their children. A soothing presence is someone who can remain emotionally steady when a child is upset. Children, he explains, often “borrow your okayness” until they can learn to regulate their own emotions. When a parent can stay calm, listen, and provide emotional safety, children begin to develop resilience and the ability to manage stress more effectively.
High-conflict divorce can also lead children to adopt certain roles within the family. Some become the pleaser, trying to keep everyone happy. Others become mediators, attempting to resolve arguments between parents. While these roles may seem helpful in the moment, they can prevent children from developing a healthy sense of identity and emotional independence.
Dr. Marcus also warns about the long-term effects of unresolved parental conflict. Children often internalize the ways they see adults respond to stress. If they grow up witnessing constant arguments or emotional instability, they may carry those patterns into adulthood without realizing it.
The good news is that even one emotionally stable parent can make a difference. By creating a calm and supportive environment, communicating honestly without blaming the other parent, and prioritizing the child’s emotional needs, parents can help their children develop resilience and emotional strength.
Divorce may change the structure of a family, but with mindful parenting, it does not have to damage a child’s future.