Acquired, Not Courted: Surviving a Covert Narcissist — A Conversation with Mia J. Hanks
🔔 Trigger Warning
This blog discusses emotional abuse, covert narcissism, trauma, and recovery. Please prioritize your emotional wellbeing and step away if needed. Support is available through the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or by texting START to 88788.
💔 When “Love” Feels Like Ownership
In this week’s powerful episode of Bent Not Broken, I sat down with award-winning author Mia J. Hanks, whose memoir Bridemaid exposes the hidden and devastating reality of surviving nearly 30 years with a covert narcissist.
One sentence from her book has already struck a deep chord with so many listeners:
“I hadn’t been courted—I had been acquired.”
This wasn’t just a line on a page.
It was the truth she had been living for decades.
Mia entered her marriage at 21, bright-eyed, sheltered, and unaware that the man she married would become the center of a long, emotionally abusive journey—one wrapped in charm, public admiration, and private cruelty.
🎭 The Mask of the Covert Narcissist
To the outside world, Mia’s husband was the perfect partner—attentive, kind, complimentary. Friends believed he adored her. Family described them as the ideal couple.
But behind closed doors?
Everything changed.
Mia shared that while he praised her in public, he degraded and belittled her at home. He called her unintelligent, incompetent, and incapable. His need for control intensified over the years while his empathy remained nonexistent.
This pattern is incredibly common among covert narcissists:
Charming in public
Cruel in private
Praise used as manipulation
Devaluation used as control
Image protected at all costs
It’s why survivors struggle to leave—and why they often feel ashamed to tell their story.
🧠 The Psychological Toll: “I Thought It Was Just Me”
Like many survivors, Mia believed she just needed to “try harder.”
Because covert narcissists are skilled at rewriting reality, victims often internalize the blame. They protect the abuser’s image, minimize their own suffering, and lose confidence in their intuition.
Mia revealed how long she stayed silent—even with those closest to her.
Only her parents witnessed the truth behind the façade.
Shame, confusion, and the fear that no one would believe her kept her trapped in a cycle of emotional abuse for nearly three decades.
🩺 When Emotional Abuse Becomes Physical
One of the most powerful moments in our conversation was when Mia described the physical toll of long-term emotional abuse.
She suffered from:
chronic pain
stomach issues
panic attacks
headaches
constant fatigue
She was living in fight or flight every single day.
And like so many survivors, she didn’t connect the dots until her health was failing.
Stress doesn’t just steal your peace—it breaks down your body.
Leaving became less about wanting freedom and more about needing to survive.
✨ Finding Freedom: Therapy, Support, and Telling Her Story
Mia’s turning point came when a therapist (the same marriage counselor her husband chose to manipulate) finally looked at her and said:
“This is toxic. You need to leave.”
That validation—the one she had been denied for so long—helped her reclaim her voice.
Therapy became a lifeline.
Support became a foundation.
And writing became a release.
When she began writing Bridesmaid, she expected to document her experiences. Instead, she found healing. Putting her story on paper freed her from the weight she had carried for so long.
She said:
“I didn’t realize how bad it was until I saw my own words staring back at me.”
Sometimes the truth becomes clearest only when we’re finally safe enough to tell it.
🌼 Rebuilding After Narcissistic Abuse
Mia is living proof that life after covert narcissistic abuse isn’t just possible—it’s powerful.
Her advice for survivors beginning their healing journey:
✔️ Find a therapist who understands narcissism
Not all therapists recognize these dynamics. Knowledge matters.
✔️ Create a small, safe support circle
You don’t need many people—just a few who truly see and believe you.
✔️ Practice gentle self-care
Rest, eat, move, breathe. Healing requires tending to your nervous system.
✔️ Be patient with yourself
You won’t heal in a straight line. Give yourself grace.
✔️ Trust that a better life exists
Even if you can’t see it yet, it’s there—and you deserve it.
🏆 A Story That’s Changing Lives
Mia’s book, Bridemaid, earned the Gold Literary Titan Award, a testament to both the quality of her writing and the impact of her message.
Her memoir is more than a story—it’s a mirror reflecting the experiences of countless survivors who never had the words.
It tells them:
“You are not alone.”
“You are not crazy.”
“You are not stuck.”
“You deserve better.”
And perhaps most importantly:
“You can leave. And you can heal.”
💛 Final Thoughts: Your Story Isn’t Over
If you are in a relationship where you feel controlled, degraded, or diminished, please hear this:
✨ There is nothing wrong with you.
✨ You are not imagining it.
✨ You are not overreacting.
✨ And you are never too late to choose yourself.
As Mia reminds us, narcissists rarely change.
But survivors?
They rise.
And you will too.
📚 Connect with Mia J. Hanks
🌐 Website: miajhanks.com
📖 Book: Bridemaid (Available on Amazon)